i fully understand you, i have suffered with depression for quite a while and even contemplated suicide i know its not the right thing to do and i got help for it i personally have counselling for it and express my feeling which does help me in a way and i currently take medication i would suggest you speak to someone about you're issues honestly i never wanted to and i refused to go to anybody about it but since i did i feel 100x better , hope everything turns out to be ok for you man and if you ever need a chat message me